written to and for any fellow wanderer, flounder-er, seeker, explorer, disciple, sinner, screw-up, and friend.

to the future.

To my future husband.  

Dear you,

I was never the girl in grade school, high school, or college that dreamt about her wedding.  The idea of getting married was always something I wanted, but never something I really “thought” about.  Or better yet, I wasn’t one of those girls who wanted to be married right out of college.  I think in part, I was rather envious of those girls.  They knew what they wanted – and who.  I did not. 

I am going to skip all the testimonial "details" and cut right to it.  

I am a sinner just like you.  

But I am also an overcomer just like you.

I have had my heart broken more times than I’d like to admit.  Especially by men.  No, I have not been in many relationships, but all it takes is a few men – whether it be a father or boyfriend – to crush a woman’s heart.  Miraculously so, I am not jaded. In fact, quite the opposite.  I still believe in the kind of love that never fails.  The kind Paul talks about.  I know it’s real. I know it’s alive.  I know it because I’ve experienced it.  Love is what has brought me here.  Love is what never gave up on me; that thing (Him) that I woke up to every morning “I’m not leaving you. I’m here. We’re going to get through this. There is a harvest up ahead.  There is Sonshine up ahead.  Trust me. I’m going to heal you. I’m going to cover you in freedom so thick you won’t know what to do with yourself.”  So I believed.  Over and over again.   I recited his Truth, I memorized it, I bathed in it.  I held him to his promises.  And then he taught me how to have a voice again; he showed me that I could come out from that corner I had hidden in so long and live fearlessly.  And so, I began to study the Proverbs 31 woman.  I prayed over it, read it constantly, and asked that he make me a woman of character.  The kind of woman my husband would be proud of.  The kind he could depend on.

I am still learning.  And the learning will continue.  But I'll tell you this much: the hunger inside my heart for more of God is not something I will ever compromise.  And because I have not and am not willing to compromise it, I think my ring-less wedding finger has concerned my parents a few times! For better or worse, I just can't settle.  I know God has hand-picked you for me, in his perfect timing, and in all his glorious nature.

All the while – those years of accelerated growth in my mid-twenties – it was preparing me for you.  I imagine he was doing the same with you.  Of course, it was preparing me for many other things as well.  But I know now more than ever, that what he did in me those years needed to make me into the type of person who could love you the way you need and deserve to be loved.  He knew my heart better than I did.  He knew that I would not be okay with loving you from a shallow place.  He knew that I would not be okay with loving you from an unhealed, chained heart.  He knew that deep down I desired to love you with all the freedom a woman can offer, who speaks truth even when it’s hard, gives grace even when it hurts, and wants to love you more – and better – every day.  He knew that I would need to have a heart with the strength to be vulnerable, softened, and gentle toward  you. He knew that I would need a deep-seeded peace for our trials as a couple and a spontaneous Joy that abided in his goodness. He knew that I would need a man marked by his character. His conviction not to swerve and toy with the things of this world.  He knew I would need a man that could swim upstream.  And such a man does not develop that character and love for Jesus unless he has been through struggles and trials of his own. 

So for that, I want to say thank you.  Thank you for being the man you are.  Thank you for not giving up when it got hard.  Thank you for believing in him when all your feelings pointed otherwise. Thank you for your laughter, your passions, and your dreams. Thank you for not trying to be anyone other than the man God has called you to be. Thank you for seeking him, loving him, and learning about him.  Thank you for following through on all your pain and all your struggles and not wasting any of it.  It has made you a man of perseverance and a man of hope.  It is so crazy to even try and comprehend what God does with trials – how he turns them for our good, how they make us into someone, how they teach us to love harder, live deeper, and reach higher.  Even more, they instill this depth of gratitude that some will ever understand.  And that’s okay, but I’m just glad you understand.  Finally, I know a man who understands. 

Love binds everything together in perfect unity.   To the degree I appreciate you, you may never fully comprehend.  I respect who you are and what you’re called to, even when you mess up, fail or fall short.  Even when we bug one another, annoy one another, hurt one another, or let one another down, I know that our battle is not against each other; I am for you and you are for me - we are for one another.  I will fight for that with everything in me. I will be your biggest fan and apart from God, your greatest advocate.  I have seen, I have tasted, and I have experienced the love of our God too much to be anything less than these things as your wife.

I’m a sinner and I’m imperfect for certain; I will never figure it all out and I’m not even going to try to.  I just want to love and glorify God in all I do.  I want our marriage to do what marriages are supposed to do: point to our King and Glorify him.  I’m so thankful he gave me you to do it with.  I'm so thankful he led us here.  As a writer, it's a story I never could have written.  He is the Author and Creator of every good thing.  And you... you are a very good thing.  

No comments: