Exposed Desires.

In Christ I have the freedom to be exposed.

I cannot live separate from my heart.  I'll admit that I've tried.  By "tried" I mean that in the past, I tried to "work around" the desires God has put inside me.  I didn't even know I was doing it.  Following wherever he goes has always been so important to me.  But following him to the deepest desires in my heart?  Well, that was hard.  Especially when I didn't even know what they were.  Or that they were even there.  And what if once I faced those desires, they didn't come to fruition?  What if I was just left disappointed?  I was afraid to face them and risk God's silence... as if he doesn't keep his promises.

This desire I speak of is a very specific one.  It has to do with what I want in a man.  It has been quite the journey.

Time and time again, I see women entering into relationship with a man not even knowing who she is – how precious, treasured, and delighted in she is.  She doesn’t understand her worth.  So she goes after a man – probably a good man – but not the right man.  And in her frustrations with not being able to find “that guy” and in her unbelief of her own worth, she settles for less than what she needs and what she deserves as a woman of God. Or maybe she even chooses not to be in a relationship because she’s disenchanted and discouraged.  She’s lost hope.  So she begins to ignore those desires deep down inside her.  And so she starts to live separate from her heart. 

Through my own story of heartbreak, God began to show me things I was scared to see.  Things I was afraid to admit that I wanted.  Afraid because it all sounded too good to be true.  Afraid because from where I sat, "he didn't exist."  Were my expectations "too high?"  Was I being unreasonable?  Subconsciously I answered yes to those internal questions. 

That's been the recent "thing" in me lately.  The Lord has truly dug up some deep desires in me this last year or so.  But of course, his work began far before that!  It wasn't a prying dig.  It was like my heart was buried in the middle of a desert.  Buried beneath the surface of the dry, barren and hot land.  By using his breath he brought the winds and the rain.  And as he did he slowly but surely uncovered me. 

Now that some of those hidden desires have been revealed, I feel so exposed.  It was quite a revelational moment when I was able to stare at my lack of belief square in the eyes and see (for maybe the first time ever) what I “deserve” or rather, what he wants for me – especially in a man, in a husband, and in a father of the kids I someday hope to have.

I had never seen it quite like that.

Now I am aware – so aware – of what I want.  What I need in someone.  So aware that I find myself protecting it all the time.  I keep wrapping myself up in wisdom and his words.  I feel so blown open, I can’t not.  I continually fight the fear that creeps up on me,

“Don’t bother, Cort. He’s just going to break your heart like the last one did.” 

That voice that tells me to bury my heart in the desert.  That voice that tries to discourage me.  Defeat me.  And drown the desires he's put there.

And as the tears fall and that fleshly urge creeps in to “self protect,” I remember…

Purity.  Of.  Heart. 

That’s what I’m after. 

I think to myself: if my heart breaks, then it breaks.  But at least it will be pure.  At least it will be free.

But it is quite the experience when my God shows me what he wants for me in a man.  I am humbled to the point of weeping.  Because he loves me so much.  And that love I cannot fathom.  That’s what makes it such a Great Love. 

I am created for nothing less.

For years, I “internally settled.”  I didn’t consciously lack faith in a big God, but that was just it, I lacked faith.  And even more, as  a woman I didn’t believe that I was worth being loved that much by God and by a man.  I mean, “I knew it,” but I didn’t earnestly believe it.  And therein lied the problem.

I settled.  I gave up on the inside.  Not knowing I was doing it.  Because I didn’t understand my worth.  I didn’t know what he wanted for me.  Well, not entirely.  It’s not that I was some girl “settling” for any man. I’m not a dater.  But I did settle on my lack of hope and belief that he did exist… and that God was working on his heart just as he was working on mine.  But even in my “settling” there was something that boiled inside me that just couldn’t get out. 

It felt like a burn.

A burning heart.

I couldn’t put my finger on it.  I couldn’t make sense of it.

I tried to ignore it even.

It was the desires of my heart, down in my deep, making themselves known.  It was like a, “Here we are! We are down here! Don’t bother settling for less than what we are because we aren’t going anywhere.  You can’t kill us off.  You can’t ignore us forever!  We will burn into a fiery flame if that’s what it takes for you to get it!”

And as it was, a fiery flame ensued.  An all consuming one.  Something about it burned off the gap that separated me from my heart; that gap that didn’t believe in the woman I was and what God wanted for me.  Before I could even grasp it, I was whole. I believed.  I believed from the very depths of who I am.  And that has changed everything. 

In all the Lord has shown me about himself, about me, and about the man he desires for me – I find myself nervous.  Nervous because what he’s shown me sounds just too good to be true.  I don’t live in a fairy tale world.  Never have.  So it’s not like that.  It’s just this simple realization of an incredible truth:

He wants THE BEST for me.

Not good. Not great.  The BEST. 

(I mean, think about it for a second.  He is GOD.  And he wants your BEST.  Is that not crazy?)

I have finally accepted that.  No, I have embraced it.  I have believed it.  I have literally danced (in my kitchen while cooking) around that truth.  And I understand now – quite profoundly – that the desires he has placed there will be fulfilled.  But with the realiziation of such a precious thing, I want to protect it with everything in me. I fight the battle of fear that tells me not to live from my heart. The fear that tells me God won’t come through.  The fear that tells me he’s just playing games. 

But then I come back to what I want – and I want my heart to be free.  I want it pure. 

And I am free only when I allow him to be in control.

In the past, these burning desires didn’t have a place to land.  The few relationships I have been in, the man has struggled with my “depth.” (His words, not mine).  I struggle with that; I still don’t know what the heck that even means.  I just want to know the Lord. I want to follow him even if it makes me look like an absolute fool.  I want to be whole in him.  And above all else, I desire those things first.  If that’s “too deep,” then well, I guess that’s that.

And that is what happened.  Those relationships ended.  Pretty painfully.  And I was left with this feeling and this question, “Is there something wrong with me?”  Because when a man – who is called to lead – can’t “handle” how I choose to live, I wondered if I was doing it all wrong.  I didn’t understand how this all became a liability for me.  I didn’t understand why I had to dim myself down to make this other person feel more secure.  Almost feeling guilty for being me.  And then, amidst heartache, I began to wonder if there was even a man that existed who can “handle” it. (As if it should be something to be "handled" anyway!).  Or better, a man that existed who has maybe felt similar.  A man who has, perhaps, been on a similar road of frustration, discouragement, and points of feeling like “giving up” and that "maybe she just doesn't exist." 

I wrestled for months with this part of me.  Wrestled with how God created me and the heart he put inside me.  "God why can’t I just be more like this… or like that… then maybe a man would feel more “like a man” if I was less than who I was."

But to be so eloquent, that’s just complete crap.  That's not real.  And finally, I surrendered.

Freedom.

This is me.  And that’s okay.  In fact, it’s more than okay.  It is GOOD. 

No, I am not for every man. 

But I will not marry every man.

I will marry one man.

And he will get it.  Somehow.  He will get it.

I suppose that’s one of the best parts about a union.  Even about meeting someone new.  Two hearts colliding, rubbing up against each other and letting God build the bridges, close the gaps, and connect how he sees fit.  He is so perfect at it.  

I can’t try to be someone I’m not.  I can’t bury my desires because I’m afraid what I really desire doesn’t exist.  I can’t hide my heart because I’m scared of exposing it to a God that knows every piece of it anyway.  I can't be a "less than" so the man I'm with feels "adequate."  Besides, I thought iron sharpened iron.

In fact, it’s in the exposing of my heart where I have been able to see his goodness all that much more.  It’s where I’ve come to believe that who I am  doesn’t scare God off.  And for the right man that he has for me, it won’t scare him off either.

So I will unapologetically and without reservation or hesitation be me.

And there is nothing more thrilling and satisfying than living from the heart.

I’d rather be single for the rest of my life than be in a relationship or marriage where I don’t have the freedom to be the authentic and real Cortney.  That’s not love.  And love and freedom go together.

I have discovered – even though hearts can be messy – that there is so much insane beauty in living from that place.  Like someone always tells me, “Let your heart show up.  Beauty comes with it.”

Of course – for all the women out there – this is not easy (at first!)  Not every man will want you.  In fact, some might look at you like a downright nut for living so free.  Look at them and smile.  Not every man will be able to care and cherish your most precious treasure.  And that’s okay.  Not every man was meant to.  So we guard our heart in the Lord – in wisdom and understanding – and we trust and depend on his word that he will give us the desires of our heart as we delight ourselves in him.

Sometimes, that wait can be long. But as I read once – and believe this whole heartedly – “Rest assured that if God waits longer than we desire, it’s to make the blessings doubly precious.”

I want the women of this world to believe in their worth.  Their beauty.  Their gifts.  I want them to believe in what they have to offer.  That what they carry is so needed.  Women who don’t oppress the desires of their heart out of fear and unbelief, but women who know who they are and live it out fearlessly.

Women like that – who are being their true, authentic self – call men higher to be MEN.  Not by her nagging or complaining, not even by what she says, but by how she lives.  From her heart.

So, for those women…

Be YOU.  No other woman can.

Don’t know who she is yet?

Ask him.  He’ll show you. 

But it has to be from a heart that truly wants to see that woman.

Trust me, he’ll call you to a higher place than you’d ever planned for yourself.

You are inifinitely more than what you realize and currently believe about who you are. 

The desires in your heart are there on purpose.  They aren’t a mistake. 

Those ways you need to be cherished aren’t some surface, flippant, or lofty desire.  

They are real.  Let them live.

You have to fight for what he’s placed inside you.  If you don’t, you’ll end up with a heart buried beneath the surface of a dry, barren, and hot land.

You have to let your heart breathe.

You have to let it run free.

You have to be YOU.

And if you feel the burning, let it burn.  It will burn itself to the surface and burn off all those ways that you settled for less than what you need, deserve and desire. 

God will bring the right man – a good man – at the perfect time.

(He works quite slow as foundations take time).

And along the way – and in the waiting – you will see that no, you’re not for every man.  And that’s okay. 

You’re still A Chosen One.

Besides, you won’t marry every man.

You will marry one man.

Imperfect for certain.

But he will get it.  He will cherish you.  He will want to know your heart.  And you will want to know his.  He will let you be the free you.  And he will love that you.  Because that’s the true you. 

Sound too good to be true?

I know.

But that's just it.

It is good.

And it's also true.

God is in the business of nothing less.

He meant what he said you know, 

“Delight yourself in me and I will give you the desires of your heart.”

It’s not poetry.

It’s a promise.