heartache & healing

As of late I am realizing that my healing never ends.  Well, at least not this side of heaven.  

This particular healing - the healing of the heart - seems to be an ongoing process.  I guess I always knew that.  So I don't know why it hits me funny when I feel a sting in my heart over something that I thought he had already taken care of.

Perhaps he has taken care of it, Cortney.  But now, he's just going a bit deeper.  

Ugh! 

Over a year ago my heart was broken so badly (and it had been broken quite often in the 3 years that preceded it) that I began to learn the ways of how to cope, recover, and then live into Victory after the aftermath.  That pit of your stomach, hard to breathe, wake up countless times in the middle of the night, can't fall asleep, can't stay asleep, just want to stare at a wall for hours - that kind of ache I understand.  I know it too well.  My compassion and empathy overflows for a hurting heart.  

When that someone I'd loved for a long time left, I was surrounded with a million questions and a bunch of why's - many of which never got answered.  If any at all.  But somehow, in the infamous grandeur that is my God, he takes the whole screwed up and backward mess and, in time, he sets it aright in my heart. No, I didn't get all my answers - but I don't care about the questions anymore.  In the greatness of who he is, the questions dissipated and my Answerer became all that I longed for.  It's as if the questions had never existed.

When my heart broke the way it did, I remember being very determined to wring out all that Jesus had for me in the days and months to follow.  I remember not wanting to miss a thing.  I remember being so meticulous about every decision and every motive.  I remember detailing my tears on page after page of my journal.  I remember crying... then laughing... then crying... then laughing.  Above all - I remember telling my God that I'd endure it for as long as he asked and that one day, when I meet the man he has for me, he's not going to have to deal with this broken heart because Jesus and I would've already taken care of it.

Nice thinking, Cort. But eh, wrong.  Sometimes my multi-tasking, determined, disciplined, and "I'm gonna get this shi* done" mentality takes the driver seat when it belongs in the trunk most of the time.  Is it possible to steamroll yourself?  If it were, I have done it.  Like I've said before, I need to learn to be more tender with myself because I know he is.  There was nothing wrong with my determination to hear his every whisper to me - after all that was (and remains) so crucial to me.  But Jesus doesn't drill sergeant my healing; nor does he work linear.  

Of course, and I hope it goes without saying, that the healing he has already done has been paramount.  Sometimes I glance over my shoulder to look back at who I once was.  I don't recognize that girl anymore.  How come he is so good to me?  His grace never ends.  But even in all the healing - and in all the steps and prayers and tears and laughter and the reframing of my mind and heart to focus on Truth and Truth only - I find there are some days, and some experiences, that still quietly reveal to me the areas inside that haven't been fully healed.  Those places that are still slightly bruised and somewhat exposed.  I realized recently that the healing of my heart is something I continue to live into.  And that often times - most of the time - God uses relationship with another to do it.  

(My pride doesn't like that.  Clearly.  Pride is not cute!  Not at all).

As much as I want to be "all fixed up" before I marry, that's just not going to happen.  As much as I want to be "all healed" so my future husband doesn't have to work through it with me, that's just not going to happen.  The lie that I've believed (and stopped believing today) that somehow marriage and relationship have no room to offer healing to one another - back and forth - day in, and day out, is a stupid, silly, and bold face lie.  Tending to my heart has always been so important to me.  It is there I find Jesus.  It is there I find the places inside that need his light.  It is there I find areas that need freedom.  I'm always wanting more of who he is.  But even then, I'm not going to have it all figured and sorted out.  And thankfully, the man I marry won't either.  And he will be okay with the fact that we both are lost without him and we will trust that he'll lead us to deeper healing through the honesty, intimacy, and Love that our relationship is founded upon.  

I suppose there has been a part of me that's been tucked down inside that I never knew existed until today.  Part of me is just scared.  Sure, I've been hurt.  Sure, I've been left.  But I'm not different...we all have to some degree.  But the part of me that, prior to today, wanted to be "all fixed up" before I marry is the part that doesn't want to get hurt again.  So if I try and co-labor and take rest in his healing enough, then maybe if (when) I do get hurt again it won't hurt so bad.  And what's more is that if I seek out healing before marriage in these particular areas, well then I'll never have to do it again.  (Now that's just silly).  But to continue with the lie... if I never have to do it again, then that part of my heart doesn't have to be vulnerable to the man I love and am married to.  

Bottom line: I have feared being vulnerable with the most vulnerable parts of my heart.  

(Don't steamroll yourself on the revelation of that one Cortney.  Just let it simmer and let it be).

A dear friend said to me, "You need to understand Cort that you've been hurt really, really bad in the past.  Like, really bad.  You've come so far and these things take time.  And even more healing will come as you grow deeper into relationship with the man God has for you.  Because that man isn't going to be scared of who you are and what you've been through.  And he's going to scale whatever walls necessary to hold the most tender and precious parts of your heart."

And that is why sisters are so.  damn.  good.  

I imagine all of this is something many people know already.  I thought I did.  Well, I did sorta... cognitively at least.  But today I realized, yet again, that I don't have to be wrapped up in some nice pretty bow for Mr. So and So in order to be loved.  I am simply Cortney.  Every healed, yet-to-be-healed, pretty and not so pretty part.  And that is entirely okay.