If he leaves, give him your love, but not your worth.

Almost a year ago the man I thought I would marry (and thought I wanted to marry) broke up with me.  He walked away from our 3 years of knowing one another; from his desire and words of months prior, "I want to marry you," and I was left spinning, confused and of course completely heartbroken.

Probably more heartbroken than I've ever been.  

Our story - and how his world collided with mine - is one for the record books.  It was unconventional, definitely not normal, and it often ran contrary to common sense, safe, or logic.  Ironically (and thankfully), it taught me that Jesus is all of those things.  (We don't believe in a "conventional" God - he is anything but ordinary).  But that is neither here nor there  - and that is another story; a story of which I do not regret a single thing.

I remember watching him walk away.  I still remember what he was wearing.  I remember the last thing I said to him.  I remember seeing his snot on the asphalt at my feet (I kid you not).  I remember the lingering smell of him on my sweater.  

And I remember thinking to myself,  there he goes.  

Again.

I had been in that place far more often than I would have liked those 3 years of being with him.   Regardless of his indecisions, I found myself often standing upon the rock of revival in my heart, learning- again and again- that no matter who leaves and when, my worth and value does not leave when they do.

As women, there is one thing we do quite well.  Too well in fact.  We are Monet's at the art of blaming ourself for relationship failure.  I never was a huge fan of Monet (forgive me), but his work always looked messy.  And that is what we do.  We blame and drench ourselves in the mess of belittling our self-worth, our beauty, and our beloved-ness.

Because let's face it - when something happens that is out of our control (when he leaves) we're left wondering 3 things:  Why?  What's wrong with me? There must be something or else he wouldn't have left, right? (Wrong).

And of course, our first answers to such questions are attacks on who we are.  Words such as,

If only I hadn't said that.  If only I'd done this.  If only I weren't so emotional.  If only I were more pretty.  If only I were more fun.  If only I were smarter.  If only I were more of this and less of that. 

If only...

We take the locusts of "If only's" and we plague ourselves with them.  We dip that paintbrush in watercolor and write "You're not worth it" and "You're unlovable" all over the skin of our heart until it's a stained mess.  We assume that his departure is a perfect reason for us to completely obliterate the truth that we are worthy of being pursued, loved, and cherished in a BIG FAT WAY.  

I mean a FAT way.

Can I get a sisterly AMEN?

I've had my fair share of last looks with someone I love.  Watching them walk away is never an easy thing.  However, in the last 3 years and in the wake of such pain, my Father has taught me the invaluable lesson of my value as a woman.  

And let me tell you this right now: You are hands-down, undoubtedly, irrevocably, and infinitely VALUABLE.  Your value is written on the very DNA of your being and absolutely no one can take it from you - but you can (and do) willingly hand it over.  Especially when you don't believe in it.  If you dont believe in something, you don't value it.  If you don't value it, you cannot ascribe any worth to it. So you trash it. And that is exactly what happens.  You trash your worth.  Slam dunk into the nearby garbage bin. 

Hear me loud and clear - Your sense of worth is not contingent upon anything else other than the Love that your God loves you with.  Which is unconquerable, unending, and stronger than the grave I might add.  What you believe about who you are will make you or break you.  It is a belief that cannot be made real any other way, but by going through the lion's den of heartache with a one way ticket to freedom on the other side.  Freedom from the ugly lies and deception that we women are often enslaved to: That who we are is simply not worthy of being loved. 

I remember reading a very profound line once, "The enemy of the universe knows the power of a woman's heart; so he will do everything he can to destroy it."

So we women end up spending far too much time looking to the world, to a man, to our self-image, to a relationship we desperately long for to tell us what we are worth and that we are, in fact, enough...

just
as
we
are.

We ask the world or we ask a man or we compare ourselves to other women; and while we seek "out there," that unbelieving voice rooted deep inside taunts us, "Am I enough? Am I pretty enough, smart enough, athletic enough, sweet enough, strong enough..."

And somehow, someway, the world always answers back "No.  You are not."  

Immense, God-given power resides directly inside of us and yet we willingly hand the power over to the enemy who abuses us with it.  We're pledging our allegiance to the wrong side.  He knows that if we don't believe, the power we have is powerless.  

We are far too easily swooned by the wrong king.  We forget that we are Daughters of THE King.  The kind of King that conquers nations, destroys the bad guys, and rides in chariots on the clouds of the skies to rescue us.  The kind of King that will protect you, defend you, love you, and never ever leave you.  He carries with him the Sword of Truth and that Truth is this:  

You are loved.  You are beautiful.  You are worthy.  

Period.

A month after the man I thought I would marry left, he told me he had started seeing someone else.  I call those bullet words because frankly, that's how it felt - like taking a bullet.  It was the absolute perfect setup for me to respond to that awful thought inside my head, "Yes, you see?  There is something wrong with you. I told you there was."  But I had spent my fair share of time dealing with the devil and his pathetic schemes to try and take me out.  I had heard that ugly voice one too many times and to be honest, I was getting quite ticked off.  So - once and for all- I loaded my gun with his own bullet and fired away at that heartless deceiver.  I re-load quite often with the truth of God's word and I have found that such training has made me a pretty damn good shot.  I think Jesus is an excellent marksman.

I'm here to tell you right now - there is nothing wrong with you.  You're not a less than.  You're not leftovers.  A man cannot ascribe your worth.  A man cannot ascribe your value.  A man cannot ascribe your beauty.  He does not have that kind of power - of course, not unless you give it to him.  If you keep looking for him to fill the empty void that feels painfully unworthy, you'll spend the rest of your life trying to find a man who won't let you down OR you'll spend your whole marriage painstakingly insecure and incomplete because you're looking for the voice of your husband to tell you what you're worth.  As fabulous as some men are (and as much as they are called to love and cherish you), they cannot give you that.  They're not supposed to.  Looking for such things from them is destructive; not only to you, but to them.  

If you want to know what you're worth, look to your Maker.  Because when you do, you give him all the power to show you.  

I imagine a man wants a woman who believes in her worth, her beauty, and her beloved-ness apart from him and everything else.  (Because when a man stands in the presence of such a woman, I believe he is freed up to be his most masculine self).  A woman who doesn't just say she believes, but actually lives out her belief because she knows (for damn sure) that if everything came crashing down, she'd be graciously standing atop the ruins, more strong in him than ever before, with a heart that isn't hardened, believing in truth, and still proclaiming his goodness.  I do not think a man wants to be the center of your world; and when you look for him to define you, he becomes just that.  (That is, unless, you're dating an ego-centric guy and he would happily be the center of your world - though he'd never admit it).   I do not think a man wants added pressure of having to "complete you"or to continually remind you that "Yes, you are worthy!"  No matter how many times he says it or tries to show it, it will not change what you believe about yourself as a woman.

There is only one place where you will learn about how valuable, beautiful, and loved you are.  And that is in Jesus Christ - your Savior, your Father, your True Husband, and your Best Friend.  If you have not looked to him - and I mean really looked to him - so that he can teach you, show you, lead you, and lavish upon you your infinite value - then I strongly encourage you to do so.  We are talking about the health of your heart here, "Guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life."  If that part isn't right, nothing else will be.  It will not happen overnight, but if you commit everything you are to him - even the lies you believe - he will turn it all pure and true.  In time, and I promise, you will wonder how and why you ever looked to anything or anyone else to tell you what you're worth.  

Remember - you're an imperfect woman made in the image of a perfect God.  When he made you he did not think to himself, "Well that's good enough.  That will do." No, no... he created you and then stood back in utter awe.   The Creator of the universe in awe of your beauty.  Tears filled his eyes and streamed down his face.  His heart raced with passion for the purposes you would carry out.  His hands touched your precious face and reached down to hold your hands, kissing them ever so tenderly, and with his breath completely taken aback he said, "She is absolutely beautiful.  I love her.  Every part.  She is a Master Piece."

As you allow God in to your innermost places, it will not always be easy.  You have to get pretty vulnerable with him.  You have to relinquish your anchor-hold on certain relationships, certain habits, and even certain sins that tempt you to find your worth in them.  But as your heart starts to change, and as you begin to believe the true things about who you are, an unwavering and steadfast confidence in God is born and therefore you start to see yourself as he sees you.  And when you start to see that you, it satisfies.  It fulfills.  It makes you come alive.  It satiates every desire and need you have to be deeply valued, beautiful, and worthy of love.

And then - whenever that certain someone is introduced into your world - remember Whose you are. 

You are worthy of a man who loves, follows, and humbles himself before Jesus daily.  A man who is so completely in love with and hidden in a BIG God that it is from that love where he is free to love you.

You are worthy of a man who protects you and who will treat the stories and callings on your heart as incredibly sacred and God given.  

You are worthy of being loved by a man who believes that "Love Never Fails" and who re-commits daily to living out that love no matter what it costs.  

You are worthy of being cherished by a man who holds your innermost being- your very heart- and cares for it, protects it, and nourishes it it like the finest piece of treasure in the whole universe; he understands that the hands that molded your heart are the same hands that created the stars.  

He is to love you from the very depths of him (but he has to know who he is to do so!) because it is in the depths of him where his Maker lives.  

You are worthy of a whole-hearted, life-giving, love-conquering, and soul-challenging pursuit.  

Please, do not settle for less.

You are worth it.