thankfulness

Thou hast given so much to me,
Give one thing more, - a grateful heart;
Not thankful when it pleaseth me,
As if Thy blessings had spare days,
But such a heart whose pulse may be Thy praise.
~George Herbert

I have no clue what it would be like to live in a place where freedom to pursue and follow Jesus Christ would be a crime. A crime that would be followed with severe punishment and death. I cannot even remotely fathom what it must be like to not be able to talk about him with a stranger in a coffee shop, or the people in my work place, or drive up to church on Sunday morning in broad daylight and worship him 2 miles from my home.

It’s incredibly difficult to imagine a place that doesn’t allow organizations, churches, or gatherings to exist. We don’t have that kind of struggle here. Not in America. Sure we have other ones; perhaps struggles that don’t really look like struggles. Like complacency. Maybe we wouldn’t deem it as a difficulty, but it is. We’re so bombarded with distractions and quick fixes that we end up on a hamster wheel of vices, vanity, and materialism, trying to get that next best thing. All while taking for granted the reality that we can freely worship our savior while there are millions of people elsewhere who would be put to death unless they learn to do it in secret.

I have been struggling with gratitude lately. I asked God to help me out with it; to break my heart in some way, any way, so I could take my eyes off my world and see through his. Quite fittingly, he brought to mind the thought of not being allowed to freely praise him. I started to think of all the men, women and children who aren’t able to do so safely. And I just started to cry.

It’s safe to say that my complacency is part of my ingratitude. That and the old-age lies and attitudes that keep me focused on what I don’t have, who I’m not (and want to be), and the accomplishments I haven’t reached.

In other words: I am focused on ME.

And all too often, as embarrassing as it is to admit, my default isn’t to look to my savior and praise him simply for giving me the greatest gift of all: my life and all the wonderful people in it. When I’m so focused on me and what I’m not getting from other people or out of life, I grow pretty tired, weary, and frustrated.

I take and I take and I want to take more to fill, fill, fill a striving and longing heart.

But this isn’t the job of other people or finite things to fill an infinite longing. It’s my job to look to him and be thankful- no matter my circumstances or justified let downs- and praise him over and over for what he’s done, doing, and will do. It is my job to find the good in things and people and praise him for it. It’s a lack of faith, trust, and selfless obedience to God that causes me to look elsewhere.

When his holy spirit convicts me of these things (that is, when I finally quiet my life enough to let him), I am humiliated once again by my behavior and my heart. Shifting my focus to Christ instead of other things and people doesn’t mean I now look to him to “get what I want.” When he asks me to turn to him, it’s not because he’s going to fulfill my every whim or settle each complaint. No, no…he asks me to turn to him in thankfulness.

So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live your lives in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness.
I can’t be thankful unless I’m living my life in him. I can’t be thankful unless I’m rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith just as he taught me. My thankfulness overflows from this, it can’t overflow from anything else.

Thankfulness sourced from anywhere else cannot and will not be sustained.

I’m not good at thanking him when I don’t feel thankful. I’ll even utter the words out loud in a yeah-yeah kind of tone, Thank you Jesus for giving me life. But my heart is far from really connecting to it. I know I should be, and want to be, and I think deep down somewhere I am. But my emotions, my desires, and my unmet needs (that in my ingratitude I feel entitled to be met) cause a visceral rotting in my soul. It is then that I realize I am so very far off my mark.

I have officially, and willingly, traveled into the enemy’s territory, went on a walk with him, and even held his hand while doing it. My ingratitude has become my pet, my right; and in those moments it seems easier to do that than to put on the mind of Christ, turn to him in repentance and thank him with an overflowing and broken heart.

I searched my journal the other night and found a quote I wrote down from a man named Frank Clark and he said, “If a fellow isn’t thankful for what he’s got, he isn’t likely to be thankful for what he’s going to get.”

Well shoot.

In my journal where I wrote this some 7 years ago, underneath it I wrote, Forgive me for not being thankful for what you’ve graciously gifted me. And forgive me for all the future times I will do it to you again. And when I do, break my heart for it. I want to learn thankfulness.
He always answers those prayers.

Ironic really. The cyclical patterns of ingratitude. A path of destruction and unhappiness:

Not grateful for what I have and where I am.

Therefore, need to find other things to fulfill an ungrateful heart to make it all okay.

Strive hard to get those things.

Frustrated and unhappy in the striving because it’s done with a heart hardened by entitlement.

Tired.

Finally get those things, but not grateful for them.

Therefore not satisfied.

Repeat.
Aside from the painful conviction of how I’ve abandoned praising my God who deserves more than I could ever give, is the painful conviction of my lack of thankfulness for the people I love most. When I prayed to him to break my heart over it, he took me at my word. Sometimes it takes a little while- not because his breaking isn’t strong enough, but because my heart isn’t sensitive enough.

I repeatedly take for granted the very people that deserve my gratitude the most.
I would venture to say that since every day is a gift, then every day that passes where I don’t express my gratitude for a person or thing (like a job) whether it be in words or action, is another day I’ve chosen not to praise my God for the Kingdom at hand and the Kingdom to come. It’s a huge slap in the face really. He gives me life, eternal life, and I’m whining that it’s not good enough for me. And I do it more often than I’d like to admit, but it’s the simple truth.

Maybe I am the only one who experiences it quite like this. I doubt it, but I’m sure there are those who are better at it than me. Those who’ve endured much more than I have and yet have a gratitude deep rooted in their soul. Thankfulness is a thing learned, a thing cultivated and disciplined through time and circumstance. It can be practiced in the smallest and easiest of ways – even when there isn’t some profound emotional experience attached to it; a heart willing to express it anyway takes authority over a heart that chooses not to.

You say grace before meals. All right. But I say grace before the concert and the opera, and grace before the play and pantomime, and grace before I open a book, and grace before sketching, painting, swimming, fencing, boxing, walking, playing, dancing and grace before I dip the pen in the ink. ~G.K. Chesterton
And day by day, we choose to think on the good things, the pure things, the noble things.

And moment by moment with each passing activity, conversation, or drive to work, we thank him for his grace that sustains all that we are.

And piece by piece, he puts our broken, striving hearts to rest.