reconciled.

We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be. -C. S. Lewis

It's always a dangerous prayer when we tell God to have His way with our life. Sometimes we say it half-heartedly, not realizing what the statement actually requires. Or if we realize the weight of it, we may utter the words with a bit of trembling, knowing full well God is going take us very seriously. He loves us too much not to.

Regardless of our confidence in Him or lack thereof, when we pray a prayer of surrender, God knows our heart and we can be certain He will reconcile us to Him over and over, indefinitely. He loves us too much not to.

Most of the time, when we give up our life to God, I'm not so sure we realize that means all of it. When we tell Him, "I surrender to you" that means everything. Do we understand that? He needs all of you. He needs all of me. He loves us too much not to.

Whether we do it subconsciously or intentionally, we make plans for our little life. We may know in our "head" that we aren't guaranteed certain earthly securities, but most of us would be lying if we said our "hearts" were fully surrendered to God's plan. It's too scary to not have some idea of how we want or think our life ought to pan out. We're supposed to "know." Sure we can dream, we can envision; He definitely speaks to us in those places. But think about your own life, do your dreams bring only Him glory? Do your visions expand only His Kingdom? Do we even ask ourselves these questions? God waits for us to come and ask Him, "Is this what you want for my life? Does this honor you?" He will not throw Himself at you; He waits patiently for you to come; and it is always a voluntary coming. God makes it your choice, your decision. He loves you too much not to.

When I told God about a year ago (and I don't know why it took me so long) to simply do whatever it takes to make me the woman He needs me to be for His Kingdom, I remember not feeling much. Kingdom living isn't an overnight process; it's not a feeling and it isn't something I can do halfway. It is a choice and one that has been made every day since then. I fall short all the time and I expected that. I battle the fear, "Is He really going to meet me here?" and the risk "Does He really know what I need?" and every time I come back to Psalm 34, "But those who seek the Lord lack no good thing." I lack nothing in Christ. We lack nothing in Christ. Do I believe Him? I love Him too much not to.

Pain is involved in this reconciliation. When God gently yields us back to Him, it can hurt. We also know God is hidden in the pain. And there we can experience Joy, oddly enough. Joy comes from having faith in the character of God, trusting He will do what He's promised, even admist our darkest days. There is Joy because we are not lost; He finds us when we cannot find ourselves. There is Joy because God never does anything in vain. Nothing is out of His control. Linger on that. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Do you believe He loves you that much?

Suffering and struggle are not some random collateral or by-product of external or internal circumstances. Suffering is used and it is used for Him. It is an instrument God can play on the very beatings of your heart to draw you closer to Him, to make you like Jesus; pure, blameless, shameless, and white as snow. It is used to cultivate compassion, to deepen, and to depend on God and God only. It is used to instill His peace at the very depths of who you are so that worry, anxiety and fear are exposed for the illusions that they are. Peace acquiesces to suffering. And suffering acquiesces to His love for you; it yields to His very power. Yes, He loves you that much.

Do we still pray and earnestly mean those dangerous prayers, "God have your way with me...sharpen me...refine me. No matter the pain, I will stand. For you God, on this bed of needles I will lay. Whatever you say, I'll do. Wherever you want me to go, I'll go. For you, I will. I'll do anything."

Our love for Him ought to make us powerless to do anything, but boldly follow. But do we?

No matter the struggle, no matter the darkness, no matter the joy, the desire, the confusion or doubt. Do we simply follow and trust that God will continue to reveal Himself to us as we walk and as we seek Him out for today and today only.

When we let Him love us, He becomes our friend; and when He becomes our friend, we realize how much He loves.