near and everywhere.

Sometimes it feels as though we (I) am walking aimlessly through a desert with no one and nothing in sight. There's no water, no people, no shade, no God (or at least I can't "feel") that He's there.

"Why, O Lord, do you stand far off? Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble?"

I know I am not alone in this. Job, Moses, Jeremiah, and others experienced the same emotional hurricanes of the heart. At least I know I'm in good company…

But here I am in 2008 and I read passages, telling me that God offers freedom from bondage, from burdens, from pain. That's all great and dandy. It sounds really nice. Yet, I don't feel so free sometimes. How do I live something out when I have times of temporary numbness to it? How do I act like I'm free and trust when I should when really, I may not find water for days? Or years…

The sun is getting hot. A little shade, God. A little shade would be nice.

"I thank you Father, Lord of heaven and earth, that You have hidden these things from the wise and prudent and have revealed them to babes. Even so Father, for it seemed good in Your sight."

That answers my "why"… For it seemed good in HIS sight.

I realize then, that it is good for him to hide from some and not to others. It is good and glorifies God to do such a thing. God never does anything which would not bring Him glory. God revealed more to Noah than He did to others, more to Abram, more to Moses, more to Joshua, so on and so forth. He does not reveal everything to everyone. I must know that what He does and doesn't show me is for my own growth and my own good.

So here I am wandering. And though He may not reveal Himself to me in ways that I'd want Him to, I must trust He is still here somewhere. There are reasons for his revealing of some things and not others. In the midst of all of it, I get down on my knees and seek Him out through my tears.

The tension this brings is one all too familiar to my heart. Here God is, this mighty, powerful, all-knowing, Beginning and End, who can choose to reveal Himself whenever and however He pleases and I'm supposed to think and actually believe that He cares about my incessant and mundane life hiccups and trials. Sure I may be wandering in the desert feeling alone, but another person may be on the death-row of life with little or no time left and God can be exactly what the each of us need. Even if neither of us necessarily "feel" Him there.

He is so transcendent and so near at the same time. He knows the number of stars in the universe and He knows the number of hairs on my head. He weeps for the millions of starving children and He weeps when I do over a relationship struggle. He is at the bedside of the chronically and fatally ill and He is at my bedside when I can't sleep at night. He is global, universal, and omnipotent; and yet He is near, personal, and extremely intimate to each one of us. He is a God that wraps His arms around someone who has next to nothing and on the same token He wraps His arm around me, who has more than she could ever ask for.

If I must wander for a while, then wandering is what I will do. It isn't over. I'm not finished yet. God uses the detours. The tension is one I should embrace instead of resisting. Why should I not embrace it? I have someone on my side that has the power to create life because He said it into existence—If He can do something that huge, then surely He can help carry my burdens and erase my doubts. Believing this is only half the battle. I must receive it. God gave me a new heart when He sent His son. I should start living that truth, instead of fearing its mysteries.